My mattress has potholes. This is not a sentence I ever expected to write, and you ever expected to read, but nevertheless, it’s a statement of fact. My mattress has potholes. The other day when I was changing the sheets, I saw the potholes!

There were three or four potholes. Mattress potholes are defined as deep impressions the diameter of a volleyball, and half a volleyball deep. In other words, those locations on the mattress your butt called home when you were sleeping. 

However, for the rest of this essay, I’ll use the word fanny rather than the word butt. Having the words butt and hole in the same essay is risky business knowing the two words will hold hands the moment you take your eyes off them.

To the potholes. First thought was a new mattress. Apparently, mattresses are stuffed with gold and cash these days because I was looking at mattresses for one thousand dollars and up. I don’t have that kind of money, so I started to sleep on the floor using chair cushions as a mattress.

One day a friend of mine asked if a mattress topper would help. I had no idea what this topper thing was. Turns out it can be memory foam, foam, varying thickness that is placed on top of your mattress, even if it has potholes.

Eureka! I got myself a mattress topper. First, I filled the potholes, as it were, with folded medium-sized cotton towels, and then placed the topper on top of the mattress, on with the fitted sheet and… (drum roll please) my mattress is perfect again and I’m sleeping in my bed again.

That reminds me. I think I’ll go take a nap. My fanny wants to make an impression.